I am getting seriously fed up with being the person who is always the one making the first move with all family members and things, no matter when it comes to apologies, invites or whatever. 

I am tired of always trying to put things nicely so no ones feelings get hurt. Except mine. I dont know whether its something to do with my age or anything else, but no one in my family (except my sister maybe) seems to really care about how I feel. 

I am not a punching board people!!! Get it rite!!! I am NOT an outlet for all your anger and frustration. My purpose in life is NOT to take the fall for crap you have done. Just because I did something - the series of unrelated events, which were not my fault, that followed do not give any one the rite to blame me and me only for everything that went wrong.

I am not bitter. I just want some respect and credit where credit is due. And also to be treated like my feelings actually matter to all of you and each one individually of you people in my family.

Long time...

Haven't posted for a little while, as housework and other bits and pieces seemed to have consumed me within the past couple of weeks. There is always something to do around the house. Something to clean, wash put away, vacuum. Especially with two animals wandering in and out and two teenage offspring of my husband's visiting weekly. 

At least the summer fruit has started to come in. This is not a euphemism for anything. Just fruit. Mangoes, raspberries, blueberries, nicer watermelon and cantaloupe. Tasty. 

And longer and warmer days. Although the weather has bee swinging a bit wildly lately. From cold to hot. But at least its warm some of the time. 

I have not resolved much with my mother as to the reason behind the non-invite to the dinner. She just ignored what happened and has gone on as if it has never occurred. Much like always. Acknowledging and admitting wrongs is not something that happens in our family. She has offered to have a dinner to which she doesnt invite my sister but invites me. She doesnt seem to understand that this wont make things better Two wrongs dont make a right. What I was annoyed about was not against my sister, but my mom. Her lack of concern or seemingly care about what goes on in my life. But there's not much I can do to change this at this stage of her or my life, as the behavior has become too entrenched from rarely having been corrected.

Oh well. Life goes on. There are bigger concerns in the world. 

And the bitching continues on "My Random Musings"... 

Stupid family.

I am really annoyed and hurt because M and I have been purposely not invited to my stepdad's 60th B'Day party at a restaurant of some description, which was had on his actual b'day (thats how important it was considered - as my family rarely have b'day dinners during the weekdays). 

Everyone else was there, including my sister and her partner, my stepdad's daughter, my grandparents, his parents. And the excuse that my sister gave is that they thought I/we wouldn't be interested, which is complete and utter bullshit, as we always have all our b'day dinners together since like ever.   

However, whenever M invites my mom and stepdad our for dinner, my mom goes to a lot of effort to make sure my sister is invited and not left out. But apparently, the same courtesy does NOT extend to me. Apparently, the presence of this daughter is not essential and will be just a waste of their money.

This is how things went down on Saturday, which led to my discovery of the B'Day dinner which had taken place and which everyone was trying to keep from me: 

"Saturday morning I spent looking for a suitable present for my stepdad. I settled on a nice polo top from Jetty Surf, making sure it wasn't on sale, and deliberately asking the sales attendant to make sure that if he (stepdad) didn't like it, he would be able to exchange  at a store which is closer to his work in the CBD. After purchasing said shirt, I went to a german patisserie where I proceeded to buy a bunch of cherry pastries and donuts which I knew my mom and sister and stepdad liked. 

After his I travelled to my mom's house. We helped our grampa sign a form, then ran some errands and returned to my mom's house. My sister's boyfriend came by after finishing his football game at Glenelg to pick her up. While making his tea, and carrying it back I overheard him and my stepdad quietly talking about meals they had  for dinner for his B'Day which had apparently taken place on Monday w/o my knowledge. The dinner, which I thought was yet to take place and to which I assumed I and M had an invitation.  Not so according to my family. 

Returning home, I decided to raise the issue with my mom, just a little hurt at that stage. I sent her a sms asking when she wanted to have his 60th B'Day dinner. She replied saying that she wasn't planning anything at this stage as my stepdad didn't want anything big. Another lie as he enjoys having dinners and having a nice glass of wine and cooking for guests as does my mom.

Since I knew what I knew, I told her of what I overheard that afternoon, to which she replied that it was just a small, spontaneous dinner and hardly any one was there. Another lie, as I later discovered from my sister that EVERYONE (all our and his families) except me and M were invited."

I am confused, as we have always had all our B'Day dinners together. At this stage I don't understand what I have done to deserve to be slighted like this. I do my best to help my mom and sister with everything, as much as is within my power. 

It seems that they didn't want to invite me and then went to some effort to conceal the fact that this dinner had ever taken place. 

I am increasingly annoyed and hurt at the fact that my mom seems to care about my sister more than she does about me. I have been having some health issues for the past 4-5 months, and my mom has not even asked me once about how I feel or what my test results were. When she spent all Saturday fussing about my sister having a mild headache. I am seeing specialists on a fortnightly basis at the hospital, but not one concerned question about how everything is going and what the test results or the specialist's recommendations are. I had to force the information on her last week, and even then she seemed to wave me off with annoyance telling me to stop stressing and appearing inconvenienced at having to hear about my negative news. And in the end, I was feeling stupid and pathetic for ever bringing it up and inconveniencing her with this information. 

I am sorry to anyone who may not be wanting to read about my family issues, but this blog is about my life and what happens in it, so here it is - strait from the horse's mouth. Life cant always be full of roses. 

I don't understand their attitude. I always put so much thought and money into their presents, always finding the perfect gift in something I can never afford. Making sure that its exactly as they like, and always making sure that they can exchange or refund it if they don't like it after all. Needless to say, the presents I get are hardly in the same league. 

It's not about the money to me though, if it was I wouldn't spend so much money trying to get everyone the perfect present. I try to find them things they like, for example, a white gold and solid diamonds pendant for my mom's last B'Day. Knowing she loves white gold. Like the stupid cakes - trying to bring along something nice every time I visit. 

I am sad.

PS: The Show

Forgot to mention that I have managed to make it to the Adelaide Show these past two weeks also. (For those who mite be reading from overseas, if any, the Show is like whatcha callit - carnival? Like with rides and fairy floss and side shows and stuff). 

Anyway, I didnt go on any rides as I am still wary after those incidents when I was in high school with the rides falling down and stuff, but me and M's sister (who managed to get us free parking and tickets - and thats a saving of about $60 rite there) visited all the food pavilions and I tried all the cheeses and salamis and the organic crusty bread and dont forget the wine. Mmm, tasty. M's sister, lets call her K, kept laughing at me, as every time she would turn around I would have a handful of cheese and crackers or other stuff. I was rather full even before we had our stuffed potatoes for lunch but how can I turn down the stuffed potato (Aaaah, the stuffed potato aka spud, how I love thee, with cheese and ham and coleslaw and sour cream, I can eat them every day, except M likes low carb).

After finishing our lunch we visited the show bag pavilion and got a few show bags filled with candy and chocolates. Altho I was disappointed to find that the Wonka and Garfield show bags werent as good this year.  Oh well, less money spent.

This was on Fri. A week later on Sat evening M and I also decided to go to the last day of the show. More show bags were acquired. And more stuffed potatoes were eaten. In all this excitement I managed to miss my orthodontist appointment. What a poo...

Hey its almost summer!

Hey,

I have been absent from blog land for a couple of weeks and have discovered that my blog has been logged out during my absence and my whole account had to be reset in order for me to be able to use it again. Weird. 

I have been busy helping out M with his business and doing lots of spring cleaning around the house during this time. 

And oh Yes! I have finally obtained my Macbook. Only to almost break it. I have spent the following day or two calling up the people at the Mac centre asking for help. Funny little things -macs. But so cute.

I have also spent the past couple of weeks eating lots of rockmelons aka canteloupes. Tasty and filling. To a degree. And apparently I read in a slimming magazine that you can eat as much as you want due to their low calorific value.  

Altho I did have a chocolate donut today. And a whole bunch of white bread freshly baked by my mom. 

Also tasty.

GRRRRR!

What is it about spring that makes you feel happier, is it the increasingly warmer days, the flowering trees and bushes or the annoying birds that start singinh under the window of your bedroom at 6.30am?

We have a pretty decorative flowering tree of some sort in our front garden, i think its a plum or apple tree, it doesnt actually bear fruit - hence the name decorative, but flowers in a very pretty manner, and the smell is very springy, or is it springful? Hmmm. But anyways it has also been dropping the flowers and now it looks like it has snowed pretty smelling mauve snow in our front yard.

Speaking of yards - our dog has dug up the spinkler system in our backyard and almost flooded the back of the house by chewing thru the mains pipe, as well as the elecrical wiring for both the spinkler system and the air-conditioning. Seriously, i have almost had it with this dog. Im sorry, im a cat person. Dont get me wrong, I like dogs too, as long as they sit quietly and behave themselves (to a degree at least) rather than destroying thousands dollars worth of preperty every day. I mean how often must we walk the darned thing! 5 times daily???? I swear this dog has the shortest attention span of any dog I have ever met.

M has been bad mouting the boxer that my mom has for years due to its supposed stupidity, but hey lookie here, the only thing this boxer has destroyed is a stinky old doormat. And nothing else, even though it spends a lot of is time out in the back yard also. HA!

Bandaids

Why do the bandaids always come off after an hour or two. They should make the bandaid glue a little stickier. I am trying to type after having butchered my finger tips thru cooking dinner nightly. I bought these extra sharp victorinox knives. This is what I get for cooking dinner. Gordon Ramsey I am not. But I still made a mean steak sandwich last nite. Even M's son who is exceptionally fussy ate it all.

I wish, I wish...

I have been a little negligent with posting lately, to anyone out there who actually reads my blog. I have been busy with trying to get the organization of my grampa's transition to a residential care facility happening as soon as possible, as my mom has been too stressed with everything to be able to concentrate on dealing with the facility where he was released from who were supposed to be helping to organise a new placement. It's definetely a nightmare i tells ya. Here's my advice, if you are ever planning on becoming aged and incapacitated, start planning and applying to nursing homes now. Joke. About the planning to be incapacitated. Not about starting to apply to nursing homes or care facilities.

Hmmm. But enough about that. I have every day and night to stress about that.

I have discovered a new vice. Its called the Snickers Bar with The Lot. Tasty. I am over my chocy covered turkish delite. Like I said before, I am my own enemy.

But still trying to go to the gym as well. Haven't gone this week yet, as was sick for two days with a horrid migraine and feeling soooo tired. The two nights I couldn't sleep due to stressing out mite have something to do with it. Maybe.

I wish everything would just work out.

Weekend.

Mixed feelings about my weekend. Helped my mom to sort out some things for my grampa, yet they are very far away from getting done. The Aged Care system is a shambles. Much like the mental health system really.

But, moving on.

My last week at work. Trying to make it as productive as possible so I leave on a good note. I hate leaving on a bad note.

Makes me a little sad, as I have invested quite a bit, emotionally into this role.

But, life goes on.

AAAAAH!!! Save me!

OMG! I just ate about 8-9 little chocolate covered turkish delites from a 12 pack sampler bag. Yikes. I have looked at the calories on the bag and each treat equal to 57 calories, while the whole bag equals to 382 calories. Hmmm. I am going to the gym after work.

So be it.

So, I have handed in my notice letter and am leaving in two weeks time. Hopefully onto bigger and better things, and to try and help out my mom a bit with our sick grampa in the meantime.

I am sad to leave this workplace, despite everything. I hate letting people down. This was also the reason for not leaving my last job, because I knew they didnt have anyone else to take up the slack and do my workload. And like I mentioned before, they have a lot of difficulty hiring into this field.

But what can you do, life must go on. I think I will take this chance to re-evaluate my life and see if there is anything I am really passionate about. (Well, I know what I am really passionate about, its medicine, but with a 9 hour GAMSAT exam and 12+ years of study I don't think M will be happy for me to do that. And I'm not so sure about working 30 hours a day for the first 5-7 years of my career either. I like 9-5 work. Call me lazy, but I enjoy spending time with may family and friends, and I don't want to have a job that will force me to sacrifice this.)

Hmmm, if I stayed in international law, which is what I was accepted into straight after high school, I would have graduated by now. But I dropped out because I wanted to be different and do something more exciting. But I guess that, also, is hardly a nine to five job.

Altho lately my current position has not been nine to five either, more like nine to eight pm. HA!

Evil Blogger!!

This is driving me insane. I just wrote a huge post on Blogger and pressed Publich Post and instead of publishing it erased my whole post! I should learn to type it up in Word so at least if publishing erases it, I still have a copy and don't have to re-type it all up.

GRRRR!!!

Till the bitter end. Or is it just me.

I have made up my mind now. I have decided to hand in my resignation tonight. Send my boss my notice letter. For the past couple of weeks now I have struggled to work as more and more work has been asssigned to me. And now he has informed me that I should learn to juggle things more efficiently as he will be adding even MORE work to my load. Looks like in that case I would need to work 12 hours days minimum. If anything, that did it for me. M already complains I don't have time for a life with this work. And you know the ironic thing. At my age??!! Once my boss told me taht when he was my age, all he was concerned with was partying, travelling, getting drunk and going out. That he only had one pair of shoes or something but didn't care and didn't want to settle down into a job or relationship. And isn't it ironic that I, at this age, am up to my neck in working for him and don't get hardly any spare time, and he has lost the knowledge and memories of what it's like to be this age and how much it sucks when somebody constantly makes you feel like crap when all you do is try your hardest, and you have no time to acually live your life most of the time??! Hardy har har.

This is placing undue pressure on me, my health and my family. I come home crying everynite and feeling like a failure. And everyday it's something new. I'm starting to think that I am a big dumb failure and that my two degrees and my previously high uni scores and previous praise at every job I worked at were all a fluke of some sort. Seriously. I am really regretting having left my old job now. I left it because of the workload being unreasonable ,but now it has started to seem like a holiday at my old job. I was stupid to do that. I was lured in with his promises and thinking that he will be different and wont just dump all the work on me while he is not even at the office but I am, doing work until 9pm.

M has become angrier and angrier as time has gone on for the past few weeks. He knows that I let people take advantage of me and that i don't like to let anyone down. That I always take on all the work and don't complain. After telling me yet again about the crapness of my work, today my boss asked me if I had any issues with what he has said. And I did. A lot of issues. I wanted to tell him how he promised I would be doing other work, specifically in the allied health field in which I trained (instead of some of all of this government Ax work), and how I did exceptionally well at my old job and that they are the bigest national provider of these services having been in business for yonks longer than him and having done loads more work and experience with this field and WOULD probably know what they were talking about. But no, they are wrong, according to him.

So I just sat there once again trying not to cry, and allowing him to bulldoze over me with his criticisms. I have a bad quality which has often led me astray in various situations before. I doubt myself. During exams at uni, I would write the correct answer down in the exam book and then I would get concerned at the speed with which I was able to recall that answer, and think that it couldn't be it. That was too easy, and start to think of an alternative answer. When the first answer was rite all along. As was time and time again proven by the marker's comments "You were rite the firts time, but I couldn't grade you on it as you crossed the first answer out and it was barely legible." So now I still doubt myself, such as when I think of a straight forward answer to his criticisms, I stop myself "No, I must be wrong, just keep your mouth shut and try not to cry, or you will get yelled at worse and for a longer period of time."

You know what I would like to have? A really simple job like data entry or something. Where I don't have to think, just type things up. No responsibility. I have had it with having jobs with immense responsibility for other people and their lives. It sucks. One little thing goes wrong and the whole deal goes feet up.

I am going to hand in my notice, Im sure from what he has told me lately, he will rejoice if anything at my departure.

Despite the fact that the average length of employment in this particular field (note: this is not specific to allied health professions, its unrelated and no allied health expertiseis requried) is between a months and definetely under 12 months for people doing the actual work, rather than supervisors, who supervise.

I'm very sorry if I'm bumming my only few readers out. Please don't go away. Already I feel better having made my/this (discussed above) decision to leave this workplace. I promise I will be cheering up and posting fluff related posts once more very shortly :P

I should be getting back to my work otherwise I will be here til midnight.

PS. Must avoid desire to tell him exactly what I think of him in my notice letter. MUST.

I would like to see them find someone to do what I do.

Yes, it is final. I don't just hate this type of work, but I now also cannot believe how my boss expects me to stay in a shitty, low paying job when all he ever gives me is negative feedback and makes me feel like crap. And the thing is, I know the quality of work is not that bad, not at all. I left my previous job because of all the travelling involved and the workload (which is not at all different to here, by the way, when I was promised differently). I received a lot of praise in my previous workplace, and not just from my previous bosses, but from different people within various government organizations. The were all independent opinions, not influenced by any factors. The general consensus was that I was pretty good at what I did. I was given incentives, rewards and people to train because I knew what I was doing. They did not want me to leave and asked me what they could do to change my mind. But at that stage I was blindedby my current boss's promises of reduced work loads and doing work within my actual profession, rather than the shittywork I have been doing.

The type of work that I do hasn't changed. But I now work for a different employer. I have never in my life received so much negative feedback. I mean I appreciate constructive criticism, but this never seems to end. I am expected to sustain a workload I had at my previous job, as well as a new set of clients and various additional administrative duties. I did not spend 26K on a Masters degree in an Allied Health profession (after my Medical Sc degree) to do administrative tedium. If I wanted to be an office worker I would have gone to Secretarial College. So understandably I am not that good at administrative duties. I respect people who do that for a living, but I should not be expected to do do administrative duties as well, when I already do a full time job and a half. This was not expected in my previous workplace. At this stage I would love a job where all I was expected to do was administative duties.

Let me explain something, the work that I do is not what I went to uni to learn to do. My boss promised me that as time went on, he would phase out a proportion of this work and allow me to do more work within my actual allied health profession. This did not happen. I was given additional work to do ON TOP of this work, which already requires a full time position to perform.

Everyone who has ever worked in this field (for the purposes of this post let's call it GSDC) has left within a very short period of time and never returned. I did not go to uni to work in the GSDC field. But my sense of duty has kept me working because due to the nature of this work there are never enough employees wanting to work in this field. It sucks. It's crap. No one ever comes back after giving it a go. It is a notoriously hard field to lure employees into (after only having existed for just over 2 years). But I did not want to let my company down when there was a lot of work to do and no one to do it. Exactly 7 people have been interviewed for the same position but in a different area of Adelaide. But many of these 7 people have mysteriously found "better job offers" upon learning what kind of work they were expected to do. And the 2 (additional) people that have actually been hired to do the GSDC work have left within a very short timeframe. And this is the thanks I get for slaving my butt off. I am so angry I am sitting at my desk and holding back tears.

Don't get me wrong, I like the work that I actually went to uni to learn to do. But this is not it. I have been made a different promise, and that was the reason I left my old workplace and came to work here. This promise has been warped and twisted and I have been made to feel like THEY are doing ME a favor.

This is not the case. Case in point being that they have not yet been able to hire another person for the different area to do what I do within the past 2+ years, 10 months of which I have been here for. Prior to that they were looking for someone to fill the position I am in now, because the lady that was doing it has left as she could not cope with the nature of the work. And, I stronlgy suspect the nature of my boss's feedback. As did another lady working directly under my boss.

I am sorry about my rant, but this is my blog where I like to express my thoughts, goals, achievements and feelings. And rite now I have been made to feel like I am worthless, and I know I don't deserve this. I have always been praised for my perseverance, loyalty, good nature and quality of work achieved.

I would like to leave, but I know it won't look good on my resume. I also fear unemployment and not being able to pay my bills. I don't like to rely on others, even my hubby. But I will leave if this continues, rite now it's more a matter of when than if. All I ever do is work, and that is what I have always done. I held 3 jobs at the same time during uni. I have never slacked off. Occasionally I spend 20 mins to write a post or answer a friend's email, but I make up for this by helping my boss and doing all the work he throws my way, in addition to my GSDC workload.

I am feeling somewhat fragile rite now.

Cashews

Cashews. Thats what people used to call our boxer, when he was a puppy, even though his actual name was Cassius (Clay). Geddit? Maybe they thought it was Cashews and not Cassius because he was all tan colored and possibly looked like a very hyper cashew?!! Hmmm. don't know. I guess that will always remain a mystery.

I had a request from one commenter to put up some beach pics. I think thats a good idea, altho I will next to get down the beach one of these days. And during the day, as it always seems that I am getting home in the dark after work. And trying to fit in chores during my lunchbreak like running around paying bills and buying groceries. And occasionally the gym after work, in that case we don't get home until close on 8 o'clock. The dinner also doesn't cook itself. Needs to be chopped, prepared, roasted, marinated, sauted and simmered. When did life get so complicated. I remember 4 years ago, when my only concenrs where how to get to the city from the bay after work (I was working behind the bar then), as I didn't yet have my own car (due to all my income getting spent on booze, going out and clothes for the going out :P).

But I don't miss anything that much. Now I have the money and the freedom (most of the time) to actually do what I want (also most of the time but not all the time - husband and boss often stand in the way of my frivolity). Oh well, with money and age comes responsibility.

And now to devise a plan to rescue my new boots which are being held on lay away. Must wear them tonite. Boots oh boots (and shoes) O how I love thee... Hmmmm, I wonder whether it is just me or something that all girls do - when after buying something new and wearing it around my/their partner for the first time - upon his noticing the item - I/they go "Oh this old thing, I had it at the back of the closet for like years now". Hee hee. And manipulating the household budget to fit in a new dress. Now I am becoming an expert at this "I think these steaks will last us until, at least Thursday, and then we can have the left over chicken and it will stretch...hmmm ::::counts on fingers:::: until next pay day. Wooo. That will do. Might just be me though. And I admit. I have an addiction. I love shoes and clothes and must buy them. I am feeding the economy. I will try the 12 step program, but just in case it doesn't work out - can you hold these leather mid calf boots with the fringe along the sides, in tan, until the end of the day, please??? Thank you.

PS. I also love to eat cashews and am eating out of a whole big bag. Somebody take them away from me, please!!!! An am my own enemy.

PPS. I will also try and post some pics of our beloved Chocky.

Getting closer to summer.

Hee hee. Its August. Next month it will be technically spring. Wooooo!! I love summer.

Trials and Tribulations...

Was sunny for a change today, before we were hit with a small (tiny) excuse for a downpour, always happens just after I wash my car (or correction: just after M goes and washes my car for me) and then my car gets covered in dusty rain drops again. Don't worry we don't wash our cars at home or waste any water, only get it done at the car wash with the recycled water. Not in this day and draught.

Mr Chocky's (the chocolate lab puppy) favorite thing to do nowdays, is to drag all his layer of blankets out of his bed (he sleeps in a little plastc kiddie pool shaped like a blue shell under the pergola in the sheltered bit of the backyard), first the giant woolen blanket, then the sheepskin blanket and then the shell itself, and bit by bit drag them all up on the lawn, which is not undercover mind you, and then to sit on top of this pile in a majestic way looking down upon everyone and everything. He does this hail, sleet or shine. Everyday. I really wonder what goes thru his little doggy mind sometimes. We make his bed so nice and cozy and neat, and w/o fail the order is destroyed immediately.

Have eaten some more chocolate covered turkish delites today. Having a fight with my willpower. While my sister seemed to have accepted her mysterious "supposed" weight gain of 7kg. I still don't have any idea where 7 kg can be hiding. She now claims to weigh more then me. HA! I have found that different scales give different readings and most accurate scales are usually the ones u stand on that have the slide bar with little metal weights on it which are moved from side to side to adjust to the correct weight. Also I think I should advise her that she if she is weighing herself with clothes on, then she should subtract a certain number from that, depending on type of clothes.

She is moving out with her boyfriend within the next 3 weeks. My mom is not happy about this. I remember when I first moved out, she used to think that I was just going thru a phase and would come back eventually, come back for good. She has now issued us with an ultimatum thatonly one of us can be living out of her house at the time. In that case, it looks like I should get packing. Hmmmm, wonder how M will take the news. Who will cook his dinner and pick up after him? When I first met him, his fridge contained half a bottle of vodka and a packet of frozen veggies in the freezer. Yummo. I was constantly starving at his house. Until one day I decided we were going grocery shopping. And 4 years later ;P

Why is it that winter lasts so much longer than summer?

Have you ever noticed how winter lasts about 6 months while summer only about 3? Winter starts in approximately April-May and finishes in October-November. And then not the whole of the summer is warm -and I like it warm - between 30C and 37C is the most comfortable for me I must say.

But anyways, in other news - the monotony of my job is starting to get me down. When I first got into this type of work, I was somewhat excited, but by now I would have expected to have achieved more diversity in my working life. And I am not kidding about the monotony. People do not last in this type of work for very long. The average is about 3-6 months. I have been in it for about 2 years. I first started when I was at the beginning of my last year and a half of uni. So I was doing full time study, clinical placements and trying to fit in a full time job. It wasn't fun I tells ya. But the unfortunate thing is - it was more fun than it is now. I had way more fun at uni, then after graduating. Is this a common thing or is there something wrong with me. Am I just really irresponsible and immature? Hmmm. But seriously I have outlasted dozens of people.
But the thing is, I know that this work needs to be done and that it brings in much needed resources to our not for profit charitable organisation. And I know my boss would be left in a lurch if I suddenly decided that I just couldn't continue doing this work anymore. So I just try to work thru my slump and keep doing it. *sigh* I am also terrified of being unemployed. I have never been unempoyed. I have been working since I was 13.

I am also trying to plan a small gathering for M's birthday next week. I don't want to make it too big because if I start inviting everyone in his family, I will end up with dozens (and dozens, I mean it) of people. And I am somewhat unprepared to cook a meal for that many. And where will we fit them all. We don't have an outdoor setting and our yard is sloped. And we have a crazy destructive dog who steals food of your plate the second you turn away. Double hmmm. And anyway, I doubt that anyone will actually want to be outside, with the evening temperatures going down to below zero lately. I think I will just invite my family and have something with his family later on. Maybe go out to a nice restaurant (in this case i doubt his dad will make it, his idea of fancy is a schnitzel specials night). And sensitivity is not that man's forte.

Already, this is starting to make me anxious. I am not the best at throwing dinner gatherings. I can cook fine. It's just cooking for so many. Yikes. I have a very small family and am unused to large family gatherings.

I think I shall go and eat some fry's turkish delite lollies to get me out of this funk (hopefully). They are my favorite. I knew I shouldn't have bought that half a kilo box of favorites.

Motivation Come Back

I have completely lost my motivation to get anything done lately. I think Im in a mid winter slump. I would really like to get out of it because it is not helping things at work.
The only good thing to come out of it, is that when I feel this way - I lose my appettite. Wooo Hoo. I guess. Still don't seem to notice any weight changes.

Had a bit of an incident at work last week - had a patient come in with a highly infectious transmissible disease. Good thing it was only transmissible thru contact, otherwise I would have been out of there. Spent the next 2 days disinfecting myself with alcohol wipes and antiseptic gel. Didn't tell M, he already feels that this type of work is not the best thing that has happened to me, and he would have hit the roof. And I know disinfecting myself multiple times and refusing to go into the room, where the assessment was held, until it was also disinfected and sanitized may seem over the top for some, but I would rather employ those measures than catch an incurable disease.

Speaking of incurable disease - I got an sms in the middle of the night from my sister freaking out that she now supposedly weighs 7 more kilos than the last time she weighed herself. I found that hard to believe as she is nothing if not skinny. Sent her a reply message to that effect. She is funny (funny haha) that way. A bit (ok a lot) of a hypochondriac. About 2 years ago she tried to use a bottle of bleach on her dark brown hair in order to become blonde. I warned her against doing this at home and especially if she hasn't tried this before. She didn't listen and ended up looking like a tiger (with black and orange stripes). She then thought she was loosing her hair as a result and had to consult the family doctor about this issue a few times before her anxiety was alleviated. Same thing happened when she accidentaly scratched herself on a table at a club and was sure she contracted tetanus. The list goes on. But if anything it provides for some comic relief.

Still not sure about the Mac vs. PC dilemma. Some people say they love Macs while others feel strongly against it. But you've got to admit that the new Macbook Air is just too cute (and expensive).